"Exercises"

Say hello to my little "frenemy". this is the little device they give you to exercise your jaw called a "therabite". you bite around the white part, where it looks like you should be biting, and then you squeeze the movable parts and it forces your jaw open. WELL. when you first take off your splint in the office, they make you give it a shot (along with the other exercise). there are five levels. 1 is the smallest amount that it will force your jaw open. once you can open all the way to one, you shift to two, and so on.

well when i first tried in the office, i was at about a half, which wasn't abnormal, being that it was my first time out of the splint since surgery. well, you do it five times a day, and i kept going and finally got to a full one! I WAS SO PUMPED! so then i moved the stopper to level two, and I DID IT!!! (mind you, this is me yelling in excitement about where i am on my therabite, on the bathroom counter in the middle of my brothers grad party). since then i've been working on a level two, since i was on lots of meds, and i have only been able to force a full two, one more time since then. and i continue to keep going and trying and pushing myself to the next level.

well our phone consultation came up and they talked about all the basics, and discussed my meds and how i was feeling.. how i was eating.. was i coming out five times a day, etc. etc. etc.

then they mentioned my exercise schedule. "she's doing her jiggles, i assume she's on about a 3 or 4 on the therabite"

… well no, try a 2.

"other patients are usually around a 3 or 4 now, sometimes even a 5"

… no. i'm a 2. on a good day.

i couldn't take that. i burst into tears. i have been pushing myself before that phone call and i thought i was doing so good, and here i am, feeling so stupid because i was excited about being at a less-than-average point in my recovery.

i cried and cried, (im crying right now) and since the call i have been pushing and pushing. They suggested trying heat 15 minutes before i do my exercises, and that has done nothing. i work at it, i go as far as i can, and i just CAN NOT get myself past a two. i hit a full two this morning. i was going through my exercises and just got so frustrated and started crying and somehow i pushed myself to a full two, but there is no possible way i can top that. not right now.

well i felt really stupid, and i felt really bad, and felt lie I'm not doing good enough. well from the beginning i have been told not to compare my progress to other patients, so why shouldn't that apply now? i am working on level 2 on my therabite. i am pushing myself as hard as i can, and i am not giving up, but a 2 is where I'm at. it is all i can do. maybe thats a bad thing, but i can't let myself feel stupid and insecure and belittled by the fact that i can't open my mouth as far as the others who got surgery on the same day (which by the way is someone very supportive who has spoken to me about this already).

you recover at your own speed. i am cutting my meds in half, maybe even a little less. yes, i am feeling a little more pain, but i expected that by cutting my meds. i feel like i have swelled up a little since cutting meds and trying a little harder on my exercises, but thats all part of recovery. i feel like the medication was making me feel a little less like my happy giddy bouncy self. i blamed it on the fact that my face was just cut open for a while, BUT i feel like crying when someone looks at the camera the wrong way when I'm watching a film. so cutting meds may be what i need. i am already feeling (personality-wise) more like myself. still having rough patches. I'm still in pain. I'm still pretty upset about the therabite.

i did however just have some chocolate cake and ice cream, so i am feeling a bit better.

XX